The world is at your feet
But what about your heart?
Is its own struggle. Taking it one day at a time is such real fucking talk. But how can reevaluation and peace truly come when each day an entirely unique set of predicaments unfolds?
I think I need a hug.
They say a quick way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, now I am sure the two organs have an inextricable connection. I saw the girl who held my heart for three years today after three weeks of being separated. Despite the somewhat reasoned and mutual manner in which things ended, our non-verbal encounter, sans direct eye contact, in a campus cafe as she was rushing out on her lunch break, made my intestines drop. My core is rattled. And it’s raining outside.
"Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s the problem."
I know things will never be the same, but I’ve learned no matter the unique factors of our bond—or our separation—the emotional roller coaster will be here with me for a while. And I feel it in my stomach.
Who knows why I am compelled, but expect a couple more Tumblr outpourings to come.
One can’t truly connect with another until he truly knows himself. And boy are there times when I feel like I don’t know myself very well…or, more accurately, that within me there is no one yet of substance worth getting to know. This is no self-esteem issue, but more of a realization that—to focus on one crucial aspect of identity—I haven’t found a passion or a collection of passions that animate my life.
Sure, I have my likes and preferences and interests, but is that enough? Is my essence as a person reducible to or captured by those alone? What do I stand for? What values and emotions underlie my give-and-take with the world? What excites me so much that I can talk about it for hours?
In some sense I think college and education are the search for a passion. Maybe that’s why I currently see my future clearly delineated by the educational pathways available to me: it’s a search for passion(s), for a cause to throw my vitality behind. I guess I’m not the only one on this sort of journey, but that said, I still feel I possess a less unified concept of self than others my age. Maybe that’s just shorthand for saying I feel like I am not making as many connections as other people—which could say a lot of positive things about me and my maturity? Or not.
Perhaps I should blame my incapacity to connect on something other than not knowing what fuels my fire, but I do think knowing yourself is key to offering yourself up to others. Perhaps all that remains or all that matters is just me learning to maintain the few and cherished connections I’ve made up to this point. Easier said than done, especially in this weird tech age that we grew up in.
"I guess when you’re young, you just believe there’ll be many people with whom you’ll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."
— Celine, Before Sunset